Her Melancholic Thoughts...

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10:19am: do it fast
its really sucks big time when someone keeps you hanging. you've been waiting for something that you have no guarantee or assurance that it will come. the moment will pass you by without noticing that you've been striving to attain something you hoped for a long time. then you will find yourself trying hard to fill whats missing. picking up the pieces. it adds to the pain when you look back and it will cling to you again all the memories that once made you forget all the bad things. and at the end of the day, it was you, still you you will decide whether you hold on to the bitter-sweet or just go on thinking what might have been? no matter what you do its gonna be painful. and again it is you you will answer this questions, questions that will be left unanswered. will you take the courage of finding out the answer? or just leave it? it's hard. it's like the sweetest poison that kills you slowly. can it just go away? like a wind blowing? no. you have to get through it. it's like an homework do it later or sooner it will be there it won't go away so you have to feel it and deal with it. if you already got over it, the next time you will be doing your homeworks it would be easier for you since you have already encountered it. once you experienced it the next logical thing to do is to make improvements for a better you. coz it would never be easy. just like waiting. for nothing. am i making sense here?

10:04am: Birth date
Thanks for the people who came and never left me Ü I owe you friendships poreber, I feel so blessed to have you in my INTENSE life Ü

2:37pm: Futile

Call me "STUPID".

4:11pm: Just a thought..

Sunday is the day of the week between Saturday and Monday, as regarded as the day of worship by Christians. [cited from my Theology course] As a Christian I make sure to myself that I have to hear mass during Sundays with or without company otherwise it would be unnecessary to attend the coming Sundays again. So then, obviously I was talking about Sunday huh? For the reason that Sunday is scheduled for me. And it's called Tub's day. Cute huh. Tub's day is very important for me as a tubby and since it was only a day in a week I have to spend it very wisely. A time spent together which is in some way special, and this is often limited.  Even so, the entire week is there.. If by chance thursday, friday, or saturday even holidays.. (I doubt it, it's a golf day for sure)

ha-ha! Just Kiddin..

Spending quality time with a special friend means so much to me, even just standing and talking about this and that.. Sharing thoughts.. Exchanging food.. Watching movies.. Important is they are having a great time together.. For me, he is someone who is open to me about his inner thoughts and feelings as I am with him. He accepts me as I am, even my negatives. Someone who makes me smile in the same way no one does. Someone i can confide. The person who understands me. Someone who compliment me the same as I compliment him. Laughs at me when I crack jokes. Who calls when he got time just to hear me. The person who makes me happy without exerting any effort.

 

4:18am: I'm a human creature again..

Whew! Finals is over! The first sem of 2007 is over! Tao na ulit tayo girls! We really had a hard time meeting the deadlines of the effin school paper and here are the: Novel Analysis of First Love by Ivan Turgenev, Book Report of Walong Taong Gulang, Integrating Paper discussing from Aristotelian Classification to Fusion of Powers: Documentation of the Anyo ng Arnis SCHO, Documentation in Museums, Response Paper in Philippine GNP and reviewing for the departmental exams plus the bloody practices for our Culminating Activity in Arnis. I thank God that it is over.. Thank you for the people who helped me surpassed this crap. Well, good thing is I learned so much from this, I enjoyed the novel analysis staying up late asking everyone kung anung page na sila. Because you have to provide 11 pages of analysis plus a reference page and a title page all in all 13 pages. I realized that using your time wisely is the secret to accomplished not only what you want but also what you must. And it is important to develop your own style in managing your time and work. You have to identify the goals in your life that you consider important, decide that things which can be post-poned and need a immediate attention. Kewl. I just hope that I could still remember this during the next sem. Second sem for me always seem to fly quicker that i left so far behind in my readings and lectures. Though I always got good grades every second sem than the previous sem. I think I need to develop my study habits more.

TOO MUCH FOR SCHOOL...

After my last departmental exam which is Literature 1, I just decided to stay home because the people that I expected to be with is currently unavailable and too preoccupied. The next day I went to Bf to meet some friends. Had isaw and have dinner with tita at Cat mon and enjoyed our crispy pata. After change clothes wear pj's and lied down and talk. Wrestling, pillow fight and we also did our famous hazing. Haha! I got bruises too Smuch! It was a fun night at Cat mon with Trish, Tita Mama, Babe Miguel, Maybel BORD, Paul SALOT, and the rest of the family.. On the evening I crave for ice cream so Smuch and I went outside the village and bought a gallon of ice cream with our pj's on.. fun! We used only spoon and shared the ice cream. Laughtrip si Paul nangilo katakawan sa ice cream while deliberately showing it to his chat mates para manginggit. *karma* On the other hand its funny because on the other PC is Maybel who is a really call center agent! May kausap sa cell phone habang may ka chat and may naka view sa kanyang cam! hanep BORDs! Afterwards, we go to Laiya beside Central para uminom, there they have this Laiya Sling, you must try it.. and got home around 4am.

The next day, Smuch had lunch dito sa bahay. Waited for me and we had our dinner at UCC Cafe. Chi-chats and stuff. On 8pm quality time with Amado for Resident Evil 3, you must watch it.. Then meet Be for a social drink and night out inside Temple Bar.. and kewl we got free beers from kuya who is a bartender friend in Temple.. funfunfun.. Then chicken nuggets breakfast in Mc do..

11:32am: Homework in Filipino

Tanong: Panutuan sa pagpili ng lalaking mamahalin.

Sagot: Madami na akong nakilalang tao, iba't-ibang klase. Sa paraang ito ay natuto akong kumilatis ng uri ng tao. At napagtanto ko na hindi lamang makikita sa panglabas na itsura ang pagkatao ng isang nilalang. "you have to know them deeper" ikanga. AT sa aking masusing obserbasyon ay ang lalaki ay isang indibidwal na natatanging nagpapatibok ng puso ng mga kababaihan. At narito ang mga mekaniks para mapatibok ang puso ko...

• may respeto sa sarili (pag wala kasi, wala nadin ako respeto sa kanya)
• may matinding takot sa Diyos (as in takot talaga)
• presentable (hindi gwapo pero rock!)
• maiintindihan ang pinaka pangit na kaugalian ko (sadist daw ako eh)
• mahaba ang pasensya (yung hindi marunong magalit kahit anung gawin ko)
• mamahalin ako sampu ng aking pamilya (lalo na si popsie at momsie)
• kikilalaning ama ng aking mga anak (too early for this?!)
• makakasama kong makape hanggang may puting buhok na kami (cool)
• ipapaalala sakin lahat kahit may alzimers nako... (short term memory ako eh)
• hindi magsasawang magpapakain kahit baldado nako... (nakakapagod kaya kumain)
• kasama kong mangarap (fairy tale ba ito?)
• seloso (yung tipong manununtok pag may boy let)
• pinapakelaman lahat ng gamit ko (lahat-lahat)
• mahilig sa rock music (rock n' roll!!!)
• may natapos, may pangarap (ayoko sa mangmang)
• kung sino pwede ako laging magreklamo
• confidante (masasabihan ko ng kahit ano lalo na pag may krash ako)
• tatanggapin ako pati nakaraan ko (lahat-lahat)
• magpapatawa sakin habang umiiyak ako (seryoso to ah)
• magpapa make - up sakin
• makikinig sakin kahit walang kwenta mga sinasabi ko
• quality time kahit busy
• totoong tao
• go biglaan ang mga lakad na malalayo (as in out-of-town)
• pinapangiti ako pag may problema
• no inhibitions
• may tiwala sakin
• papayagan akong uminom pag magkasama kami (taga linis ng suka ko kung masusuka ako)
• tuturuan at susuportahan ako pag nagkamali (oo na ikaw na si Mr. Right!)
• papagalitan (pag may nagawa akong mali)
• babytalks (may sarili kaming language)
• timezone!
• ayoko ng pangako initiative nalang
• manunuod ng cartoons tuwing free time

Makakita kayao ako ng tulad nila este niya...? Sino kaya ang taong may mga ganyang katangian? At pag nakita ko ba siya maging masaya kaya ako? Hmm... Ang swerte niya! AY ako pala... Promise magpakilala ka lang,,, Magiging matino nako para sayo...

12:42pm: Someone sent me this one via e-mail entitled "A Letter to the One that God has prepared for me"

12:40pm: Indulge the memories

12:06pm: "Slander"

2:54am: Too Much

I was a bit frustrated today. Though I got a good score on our practical exam in bowling, but that was not enough. I want more... Was looking for nothing, pursuing something that was not worth for. Tangna.

3:46pm: I will never find the one for me

I hate this feeling... gr-rh it falls me apart. I know to myself that things will never be the same between us. I kept on telling everybody that I don't want another commitment due to the fact that I want to prioritize my studies and finish it as soon as possible. To start a life of my own, not necessarily I will leave my family but I want to earn money and be independent to be able to help my parents at the same time. *whatsoever* BUT! there's this particular stimuli that bothers me over and over again. And Sh*T! It was not helping, instead trying to pull me back at my past love sh*T catastrophe. I miss him. That's it. But the issue is does he do the same thing? I don't know. Family, friends and everybody always ask me "do you still have feeling for him?" I just remain speechless. But not all the time silence means yes nor no. I assumed at this moment he was not doing the same thing as I always do. I still have issues with myself. I want to tackle it with him, but he doesn't give me enough time, not even a chance. *kainis* I was nothing since.

8:53pm: @ MMC - We love you Trish

I spent my friday night with my Smoochie and Beb at MMC. It was fun fooling around the elevator, stairs, bed, pillows, pantry and comfort rooms of the hospital. Ha-ha! It what one of a kind experience! And talking to this particular cute-nurse . I MUST HAVE HIM! (kidding)

asado mamon, mamon at Goldi, Pastillas, Choclait, GATORADE, unwanted air - di kinaya ni D&G Light Blue. CARAFE - closed. I don;t ned to elaborate everything happend. BUT it was different.

1:26pm: Going gaga over this song...

"As Long As It Matters"

How can I find something
That two can take
Without stumbling as we
Walk into our future's wake
I'm like a broken record
That you can play
Repeating as if it matters
Everything I want to say
I'll be all right
As long as it matters
As long as you're here with me now
Forget that time
It's nothing we touch and see
All this is fine
Even as it crashes down on me
I'm looking around
There's nothing that I could want
More than to tell you
There's no more than we've already got
I'll be all right
As long as it matters
As long as you're here with me now...
Forget that our time is almost up I'll be all right...

1:26pm: Going gaga over this song...

"As Long As It Matters"

How can I find something
That two can take
Without stumbling as we
Walk into our future's wake
I'm like a broken record
That you can play
Repeating as if it matters
Everything I want to say
I'll be all right
As long as it matters
As long as you're here with me now
Forget that time
It's nothing we touch and see
All this is fine
Even as it crashes down on me
I'm looking around
There's nothing that I could want
More than to tell you
There's no more than we've already got
I'll be all right
As long as it matters
As long as you're here with me now...
Forget that our time is almost up I'll be all right...

3:54pm: Wakeful me

It's almost 2am way past bedtime but my eyes wide open. So many things are coming into my mind like it's going to explode. Why everyone is sleeping when I can't... Maybe it’s time to get my coffee. Do you know Insomnia has totally different perception about time about everything in your life when you get use to it? Like immortality because you know the thing that never comes is a thing no to be afraid of. My Heart aches sometimes but when I feel sad I write happy words and joyous verses to counter my darker thoughts. Am I making any sense to you? May be not but hey that’s my space and I am writing after the week of sleepless dream less vibes I have. To give you some inner thoughts of being me :)

5:58pm: The sixth day of the week

fun, fun, fun... The best part of a 24 hour day with the bully's Karlo and Vincent with my best amiga Raych was just over! Assuming they waited for an hour at Karlo's crib, they spend rest rest of the hour making fun of me... How horrible... It was just me they mocking down! Raych can't do anything,,,(how dare you to dare me why are you daring?!) On the way to the theater was really awesome, even though inside the car they just can't stop bothering me. PERHAPS I was cute kasi diba bros? haha Then on, we get inside the movie house 10 mins earlier to get comfortable seats. The film began... (what happend in the theater stays there okay? may mga na bading kasi! ha-ha! kiddin lang lalo na kay Karlo ;p) After the utter shock with the Homo Coprophagus Somnambulus (Zombies) movie 28 weeks later. (you should watch it!) I kept on asking myself if I was ready to eat "the famous OX brain shit" at first I smelled it, and it smells like "balot" then take the second step wrap it in the pita bread... - lasang tofu na may pagka bitter  na parang sakto lang (my own version walang magrereact! alam ko sablay!) eerrr... I enjoyed the food infairness. I almost forget my jacket sa sobrang kain... Thank God I have Vincent Carter at my back... (sakit ng batok ko chong) Then on, tamang maypagkasaktong gustong magbeer nila Karlo, the horror stories went on habang may Red Horse, up until Vincent started chilling, Kaloy began to blush, and girls feels like crying. I don't know if thats the effect of too much OX brain shitty, but definitely I had a great time with all of them,,, no hassles at all although steady na medyo may pagka tamang sakto lang ( I know I got it right!)

*laugh trip

*talk shit si Jasper!

*Marlboro Lights

*either ways! ;p

*goose bumps/chicken littles!

*check point!

*CODE RED!

*sweaters/jackets!

*soup

*high blood

***OX BRAIN = MUST TRY!!!

3:28pm: Odd feelings

Have you ever found yourself smiling for no reason at all? I did. Couple of days ago, I met a someone who different and is worthy of my time naman. Though for a short span of time that we had spent exchanging thoughts. It made him a part of me. Whew! I couldn't say it magic... But somehow it is, it was so special and strange. To the point of telling my bestfriend and my sister how gaga I am over that moment... Moments that I thank God that I am alive... and I could not ask for more. But unfortunately all the kiligs and laughter suddenly went out of the picture... It was different now. I told myself it was just a dream perhaps. My fault. I expected too much, without even thinking. I depend too much on the what ifs and possibilities like this and that. How silly. Now, I don't know. I'm that weak? or Am just really pathetic.

People tend to do simple things, and with that they made others happy. - Crap?

3:27pm: Odd

Have you ever found yourself smiling for no reason at all? I did. Couple of days ago, I met a someone who different and is worthy of my time naman. Though for a short span of time that we had spent exchanging thoughts. It made him a part of me. Whew! I couldn't say it magic... But somehow it is, it was so special and strange. To the point of telling my bestfriend and my sister how gaga I am over that moment... Moments that I thank God that I am alive... and I could not ask for more. But unfortunately all the kiligs and laughter suddenly went out of the picture... It was different now. I told myself it was just a dream perhaps. My fault. I expected too much, without even thinking. I depend too much on the what ifs and possibilities like this and that. How silly. Now, I don't know. I'm that weak? or Am just really pathetic.

People tend to do simple things, and with that they made others happy. - Crap?

6:01pm: Happy Valentines for me...
Basically, I'm not in the mode to post an entry... Wala kasi ako makausap (wa-wa) even though I have these particular people beside me but I just think that it's better to keep it to myself nalang... I can put a smile and act as if Valentines day was just really an ordinary day... Today from morning up until I went home I saw these couples who has their present for each other, flowers, chocolates (how sweet) etc. But as I look at myself and ask why do I have to feel envy to them? Then, it made me think of the past nanaman! Kainis talaga. Well, I know I'm not making sense or what so ever! Pero I just wanna express how I feel...=p Then unexpectedly someone gave me chocolates and a note... (kilig) Anyway, to cut the story short. It was from Anonymous (intriguing) stalker? But still I'm thankful that somebody remembered me during Hearts Day... Right now I'm still wondering who's that person is. Aliw!

4:37pm: =)
It's another week for all of us.Ü I had did something wrong for last week, I wasn't able to attend mass instead read books, went to a party and had fun. It was just sad to the point that I felt so guilty that I can't even drop by at the church and light a candle and say a prayer. Well, He knows naman that He's always in my thoughts. Today is not a good start for the week. I was absent in my first class this morning and came late in the second. What was happening to me? I slowly losing my focus on myself at the same time losing attention on my acts. Am I starting to be a stubborn freak again? nah-nah! I accidentally left my counters card somewhere within the library and too lazy to find it so I was obliged to pay 50 pesos for the fine! I really hate this day! argh!

7:46am: Qoutable qoutes...
We cannot safely leave politics to politicians, or political economy to college professors. The people themselves must think, because the people alone can act. --Henry George (1839 - 1897), US economist

7:12pm: Feeling EMPTY...
I'm so hungry that's why I'm empty... I just got home to do the my school papers and have a beautiful sleep for tonight... Despite of the things happened these past few days I was able to ponder on something... Something that made me realized that there's a lot of things to smile about so why waste your time on thinking about useless stuff and such. Though right now I may say that I'm incomplete, let me say that I am better. I have had enough of dashing hopes (everything about me!) and doomed to disappointments. Let me utter again this "Life is too short for dramas" so let's not blow off the precious time left that God provide.

7:48am: The Day Everything Went Wrong
I woke up this morning feeling empty. A feeling that people is trying to avoid. Sad thoughts linger inside. As I remember the words he left me... It's like a poisonous hate... SILLY ME!

8:03am: Her melancholy smile
December na pasko na, pero prang wala paring nagbabago o ako na ang nagbago. ang daming tumakbo sa isip ko paulit ulit ang sakit sa ulo. pwede nakong ma possess now na! may mga bagay na matagal ko nang alam ang kasagutan pero heto parin ako gulong-gulo! at ngayon unti unti na umaayos ang lahat ako naman ang nagbabago, ang labo pero malinaw. nawala na yun. ayoko! hindi pwede may maapektuhan pero paano naman ako? hay ang galin galin ko magpayo sa iba hindi ko naman ma implement sa sarili ko... ang saya pero may kahalong dusa! dusa na sana noon ko pa tinapos at ngayon umaayos na ako naman ang malabo. nagegets niyo ba? pag ready kana chaka naman sa maling nilalang pag andyan na ang wastong tao eh ang moment naman ang mali. ayoko ko na! die aleli die!